I haven't posted in 3 days. Words have failed me I guess. I have been to some pretty dark places in myself- wondering why it is that even though I have faith I have such hard times. I sat quietly after the children went to bed on Wednesday, Joe at his volunteer firefighter meeting, and just listened. Two things came to me- both scripture. It struck me as weird because I do not get these kinds of thoughts on my own- so I know that it isn't of my own doing (and why would the devil quote the bible- lol). The first was Isaiah 40- no specific verse. I read it, and was amazed by the relevancy. God is really responding to my troubled mind. Every time I read it more comes out of it, so its hard to write the whole message... maybe when I understand it fully and can put it into tangible words! The second came as Matthew 20 (again no specific verse)- which is full. There is a parable of Jesus, which the moral is " He who is first shall be last, and he who is last shall be first". Then Jesus predicts his own death, and then the last part of the chapter is when he says (in Tammy plain terms) If you want to be great in the eyes of God serve each other and not yourself - just like I came to serve and not to be served. The strangeness of that was that was a verse that was read last Sunday on in the Missions Message. So do you want me to go on a mission? I would gladly go- if there were a way.

After my enlightenment, came the fall. Yesterday my husband finally found out that the money his dad claimed was in an account still from his childhood (originally intended for Joe's further education) did not exist, and the place supposedly cutting him a check for $5,000 has not ever dealt with his dad. Joe immediately wanted to drive to OC to confront his dad- but thank GOD he didn't. I had a feeling he would fly off the handle. His dad ALWAYS gets to him like that. He still wants to confront him- I mean he has dicked us over in a major way. We have waited for months for this check- barely getting by. We are late almost a full month on rent, all because his dad is a liar. Finally someone is going to call him on ALL of his crap- and then we will never have to talk to his Dad ever again. He will just be "Bob". Unfortunately my dear hubby has to carry the burden of being the one to straight out call him a LIAR. I am hoping that his Grandma will take pity and be able to help us at least pay the rent. That would be a burden lifted. It is just terrible to think that someone would lie to their own children- after having spent the money a LONG time ago- mind you he was the one that brought it up, not Joe. Its also terrible to not be able to rely on a parent (or both parents in my case- my mom is mentally unstable and has loads of issues, my real dad is a terrible terrible person, and my step dad is an ass.. I lucked out with parents huh?). At least we learn what not to be or do from what was done to us.

On another note- I am going to change my email address. It occurred to me the other day when my mother in law asked what it meant that I came up with it along time ago when I was a totally different person- and its a little embarrassing now. SO- I just need to think of a new one and open another account with yahoo (its the system I know).