How low can you go?

I am honestly losing my mind. The people interested in my car haven't contacted me, so I don't know if that is going to go through. My landlord never picks up when I call, but I honestly wouldn't know what to tell him. I look at all the money we owe- and need for other things and I start to spiral. I know that God is bigger than any of my problems, and that nothing is too much for him to handle. I know this- and yet I feel lost. I either believe he will provide- or I don't.. and I do- I really really do.. just WHEN is he going to make this all right- or is it his will to not make any of this right? Confiding in others I just get the "trust God" speach or the "that sucks". Thanks.. I know your heart is in the right place but that doesn't make me feel better- I know that this situation sucks.. and I already trust in God. I just needed someone to give me a new idea- I guess thinking that God is going to speak to me in the way of an idea from someone. Nope, not so far... not that it couldn't happen.. it just hasn't. A great analogy to my stuggle is kinda like child birth- when you get to the point you just want to push, you just need to push- and the doctor says don't push yet, just wait for the baby to come down more. You may not understand if you never went through that- but that is how I feel right now- I need to push- I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

Last nite I literally got barely enough sleep to survive. You would think it would be because of all these mounting stresses- but no.. its my kids. Wyatt woke up (I would have to estimate) around 2 hungry. I got him a bottle and he was happy. I go back to bed and Mikayla comes in crying because she wet her bed. Dealt with that and then went back to bed, only to have Olivia come in with her pull up full. I changed her, and then put her on the couch (because she has this thing with her bed). She came in again and I had to go put her in her bed. She then starts coughing really bad, and coughs up spit all over- so I have to get up and take care of that. I try to go back to bed again, and have to get up again because she keeps coughing. I finally got to go to sleep when the sun was up- but tossed and turned and kept waking up because by then the kids were up and playing the living room. I feel like a zombie today- even with a cup of coffee. I was trying to keep myself busy with cleaning and re-arranging my room but that isn't helping so I thought I would blog while I eat my lunch (which I am done with by the time the page loaded-LOL).

I am not looking forward to this weekend. I know Joe is because he is going to go to some place in BFE San Diego to go Down Hill Racing. He is leaving early Saturday- and the race stuff is on Sunday, so I wouldn't see him all weekend) I know I am going to want to run screaming having to deal with the kids all by myself... not to mention miss him and feel lonely. I don't get to really spend much time with him as it is these days. I am going to be left behind to deal with all of our problems while he goes and has fun. He gets paid for all the work he did for his mom in the past 2 weeks today- but I am pretty sure he is planning to do some stuff with it (like buy a protective jacket and shoes that he needs for the race, plus gas to get there and food and such). He has a chance to win money- if he wins.. so I guess it is worth it? That still means I am going to be left here alone with kids, moneyless, and to wollow in my worry and unhappiness. Oh Joy. God Save Me.