Time for a change.

Simple as that.  It is time for a change.  I need my life to be different.  I need to do the things that make me happy more- writing for one.  I have locked myself away in the thinking that I am too old to find a dream and follow it, and I have had so many different dreams in the last couple years.  My most recent was to become a Cosmetologist, which at this point looking back doesn't seem like something I would have EVER wanted to do.  I am not a "girly girl" really by any means, but I was so pumped and into it at first I went with the feeling.  I still like some aspects of Cosmetology- mainly haircoloring and makeup- but I feel like I still haven't found what truly will light my fire AND KEEP IT LIT.  I had to drop out recently because my family is losing our home and we have had plently of money issues which get in the way of school (like never having a ride).  I was really upset to lose what has been holding me up, but I guess this just teaches me that I can't rely on anything else to get me through life except my own will to live.  I have been pulled back down by my depression monster.  I live in the gray clouds that surround my mind with negativity and self hatred.  I want to believe in the hope of tomorrow- but I feel like that will never happen if I don't make changes to change my life's direction.  Winn Claughbaugh, author of "Be Nice or Else" and dean of Paul Mitchell the School, says we need to make 10% shifts to make a change stick... so first 10% shift- no more facebook for me.  It is infectious and cruel.  I have wrapped my own view of myself into a website that promotes making yourself seem super happy and wonderful.  Sorry but I don't need constant reminders of how happy with your wonderful life you all are.  I obviously find the worst in myself and if I'm not ranking up there with  you and your awesome job, friends, family, money, and life I start thinking I must REALLY suck.  So I took it out of my view.  I need to reprogram my thinking and that just isn't possible if my thinking is clouded.  Second change- I vow to write more.  It doesn't matter who reads it, or what they think- but if I write down what I am thinking about and feeling I can get it out and do what I love at the same time (although right now I am doing more of spewing thoughts than really eloquently writing).  I don't claim to be the most wonderful writer ever- but it has always been what I find easy and enjoyable.  Read this blog- dont read this blog... really I don't care.  I am used to being invisible.  This life has to be more about me making myself happy and less caring what anyone else thinks of my efforts.  I tend to say this and then go back on it- but really need to stop.  I should put a sign in front of my face at all times that says "YOUR OPINION OF YOU IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS'.  Right now my opinion of myself isn't a nice one.. so maybe I should hold off on sign making.

Finally! I'm taking this blog back!!

After many years of not being able to log into my blog- mostly becaue I had deleted the email address associated, and couldn't remember the password to log into google... but I FINALLY was able to reinstate that email address and get my password changed so VIOLA I now I have blog again!!  So much has changed... and looking back at my previous posts I laugh and cry and laugh again.  It is funny where 3 years will take you.. for now I have to go make dinner, but I will elaborate on that in my next post... JUST KNOW THAT THIS BITCH IS MINE AGAIN!!! WOO! Accomplishment!

I have so much running through my head, and yet its so hard to translate into words. Lately it feels like I am getting attacked by that inevitable force that likes to wreck any progress or positiveness. It sucks the light from my life, and leaves a dark empty hole. In the hole is doubt, fear, depression, hurt, and envy. I have lived in that hole for so much of my life- and I hoped that I would not ever have to crawl back into it. I am so close to it that I can feel the darkness closing in. My possitive attitude of late has turned into the usual pessimism. My faith in God is being over shadowed by fear and envy. I hate what despair makes me, and that despair is caused by life's situation. I can't even explain how I feel. Its hard, and I just dont have the words

Grumble Grumble

I completely forgot about my blog. It occurred to me today that I had one when I was thinking of all the stuff that is going on in my head and how I wish I had an outlet.. then, oops... I do. DUH- I have a blog!

Its literally been a battle in my mind- between ambition, guilt, stress, frustration, disappointment, aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears, faith, irritation, and confusion on all of it- I am left adrift in mental anguish. :P

I landed a job- as you can see from my previous post. Its a job. It has given my family opportunities- not just paying bills- but it provided a place to move to. The house is great- besides the fact that their are mucho bugs (but nothing that can't be fixed). The job has also provided me with the opportunity to work more hours so I can save for a car. As of right now- the saving isn't really happening, but atleast the opportunity is there. My boss is a cool- and a good person. My co-workers are all great. The job itself is "Administrative Assistant", but that implys that I am assisting someone not in management- but just in the workings of the office. I am infact (basically) the Personal/ Executive Assistant to the owner- but I get paid lower than any Administrative Assistant I know. I work my butt off- and I feel like my good nature and hardworking attitude is being taken advantage of. How much further could I go with this company? Not any farther than I am. That leads me to one of my frustrations. I have been a supportive role for a really long time. Not just professionally- but personally. I am always supporting someone else in their dreams and indeavors. I want this to be my season of dreams. When do I get to start on to my path? When do I get to step out and have my dreams fullfilled?

I still really want to go to school for Nursing. I know that if this is a God given dream that he will open doors for me- and clear the path of anything that seems like it is obstructing my way. So far that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. I attempted to find a private school- and they are really far from me, and expensive (or in the case of Kaplan, it is really far AND they won't let me in because I won't spend 15,000 on another program that I supposidly have to take before it.) I didn't get things worked out in time to go to community college. I feel like I have failed. Then I start wondering if this wasn't God's vision and plan for my life- but then I start to feel like that type of thinking is Satan trying to turn my head from the truth. Maybe it isn't my time, but I am getting worn out from the wait.

Our not having a car has really effected our opportunities. I can't get to work, or the store, or to school if I could even afford to go. I can't do fun things with my family, and most weekends I can't get to church. We have to rely on my mother and father in law to borrow on of their cars when we can, and for a ride for me from the bus. It so hard having to constantly rely on others- not just because it is an inconvienience for the other person, or us, but it is really hard to have to be that pest. I don't like being annoying. Honestly I don't.

To try to make myself feel better I treated myself to coloring my hair, and then having it cut. The color isn't exactly what I wanted- but I hope to be able to correct it (I bought another color to try). The cut is cute- I haven't quite gotten used to it though, and it seems to change daily of what it wants to do. It was nice to do something for myself, atleast take away some of the self loathing I have. I hate the size I am- even if it is a size 12. My baby tummy is depressing, and although I attempt to eat healthy the stressing is making it really hard to keep up. One of the Ladies at my work suggested the South Beach Diet. She said it really worked for her- and has made her feel great because it makes you cut down on sugar intake and unhealthy carbs. I dunno- I am not really a diet type of person. No diet has ever worked because I always end up giving up. Exercise has been hard for me- getting up at 5:30 to catch the bus- and then working all day- only to have to catch the bus and get home between 6:30 and 7:00. There is no such thing as energy anymore. I want to feel confident about myself once again. I want to look like the skinny person that exists in my head. :/

Today I spent most of the day learning the guitar. I have been taking time to do something I have wanted to do my whole life. Besides the fingers on my left hand being red and puffy and sore- it was great!

I don't know if we have the car for tomorrow- I guess it doesn't matter because I don't have a way to get it. Joe is going to be at a downhill skateboarding race that he has been training for for a while. I am glad he has something.. and I look forward to spending time on my new hobby (provided my fingers don't fall off).

Well I am done letting it all out. I am sure there is stuff I forgot- but I don't want to dwell on the bad, when I can try to find the good in it. My kids are healthy, our bills are paid, mostly, and me and Joe are healthy too. Oh- and Wyatt is walking (as of early last week when he started taking more than just one step at a time- but like 5-10). He also finally has one tooth!! (it popped through finally a week or maybe two ago). So things are all bad- it just feels that way sometimes.

I am trying to be possitive. The last two mornings have been refreshing because I have been upbeat and possitive and it has effected my day in great ways. Hopefully I can keep it up- and maybe it will change even more of my perspective.

what can I say but YAY FINALLY!

I have a job- yes a job. Its not a crappy one either- not that I know of. Finally, the potential to have a LIFE and not have to worry about the bills as much. I will probably put off nursing school- or atleast just take night courses to get some pre-requirements. I guess it will all have to depend on the kids and Joe's Fire Academy that starts next fall. There is so much still to figure out- but atleast my goal of getting a job is accomplished. Now to make sure I keep it... lol. I have really worked my ass off for a while now putting out my resume, and going on interviews only to be dissappointed. I am so relieved. I feel like I can kinda breathe now.. atleast a little bit better. We have to figure out how to pay the 2 1/2 months rent we are behind, and get a reliable car and life will be good.

long time no post

Wow. I haven't blogged in forever. I guess partially that was the lousy jobs fault, and partly because I really haven't known what to say. My life seemed to get so far off track in the last month it was ridiculous. That job was ridiculous.. but thank God for bitchy bosses and being able to tell her I'm not going to take the bs. I am focused back on getting into school- this time I'm not sure if I should do the 12-13 month LVN route, then go for my RN or BSN after I have the LVN and start working... or if I should wait to get into Everest's RN program in Jan.... or if I should try to get into a BSN program that is 2 yrs. I have always wanted a bachlor degree. That was one of my goals to have one by the time I was 30. I just dont know which route to take at this point. I don't want to give up on my goals. I don't want to abandon my dreams... I just don't know how to take something for myself without feeling selfish. They are all full time schools too- so how do provide for my family for 12mos- 3 years (depending on the program). ARGH! And Joe is no help.. he doesn't really give me advice about it anymore.. he just says "which ever one honey". I know he is going to start training soon for his firefighting. He has something so wonderful going for him- I don't want to take that away either. And then there are the kids- I am pretty much their caretaker. How do I go to school 8 hrs a day, work, and still take care of them? I know it will all work itself out. If I want something bad enough it will happen.

On another note- Savanah's birthday party is 2 days away- and I still need to get decorations. I bought the paper goods yesterday... although they are just animal themed not little pet shops. No party stores out here have LPS stuff- so I am making it more of a animal theme.. its still cute though. I am going to make animal hats, and paint faces, and let the kids color in a gigantic LPS coloring book I got.. and have animal races. Its going to be fun. I am such a nerdy mom its unbelievable. I guess I just want to be the mom I never had. I have already spent too much on the party- and I haven't even gotten balloons, decorations, or the cake. LOL. Thats ok though, as long as the kids have fun. :D

Shitty Days

There are so many things I could probably update on, but this sick feeling in my stomach takes away all desire. Lets do a quick catch-up... I got a job at LA Fitness, it pretty much sucks- I get paid shit and work my ass off for nothing... I haven't gone to my appointment for my medical problems yet because something else came up that required me to reschedule... and although I have lost 8 lbs due to changing portions and what I am putting my body- I am still a fat cow (moo). Right now I feel like throwing up. It hit me all of the sudden when Joe was going out the door to his volunteer fire-fighting meeting... this feeling like something was going to go wrong- or already was wrong. I got this feeling frequently when me and Joe were having problems- and I was always right. Something was always wrong. It leaves me to wonder- what the hell is wrong. Joe and I got into a big fight today over my having to work tonight, the night he is supposed to attend his meetings. I have this over-whelming feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, and he is going to leave me again. This time I won't have anywhere to go because I cut my parents out of my life for their dysfunctional behavior. Generally, its been a pretty bad day in the depression department. I want to crawl under a rock and disappear. How terrible to not want to be present.. but presently that is how I feel.