Grumble Grumble

I completely forgot about my blog. It occurred to me today that I had one when I was thinking of all the stuff that is going on in my head and how I wish I had an outlet.. then, oops... I do. DUH- I have a blog!

Its literally been a battle in my mind- between ambition, guilt, stress, frustration, disappointment, aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears, faith, irritation, and confusion on all of it- I am left adrift in mental anguish. :P

I landed a job- as you can see from my previous post. Its a job. It has given my family opportunities- not just paying bills- but it provided a place to move to. The house is great- besides the fact that their are mucho bugs (but nothing that can't be fixed). The job has also provided me with the opportunity to work more hours so I can save for a car. As of right now- the saving isn't really happening, but atleast the opportunity is there. My boss is a cool- and a good person. My co-workers are all great. The job itself is "Administrative Assistant", but that implys that I am assisting someone not in management- but just in the workings of the office. I am infact (basically) the Personal/ Executive Assistant to the owner- but I get paid lower than any Administrative Assistant I know. I work my butt off- and I feel like my good nature and hardworking attitude is being taken advantage of. How much further could I go with this company? Not any farther than I am. That leads me to one of my frustrations. I have been a supportive role for a really long time. Not just professionally- but personally. I am always supporting someone else in their dreams and indeavors. I want this to be my season of dreams. When do I get to start on to my path? When do I get to step out and have my dreams fullfilled?

I still really want to go to school for Nursing. I know that if this is a God given dream that he will open doors for me- and clear the path of anything that seems like it is obstructing my way. So far that hasn't happened. Nothing has happened. I attempted to find a private school- and they are really far from me, and expensive (or in the case of Kaplan, it is really far AND they won't let me in because I won't spend 15,000 on another program that I supposidly have to take before it.) I didn't get things worked out in time to go to community college. I feel like I have failed. Then I start wondering if this wasn't God's vision and plan for my life- but then I start to feel like that type of thinking is Satan trying to turn my head from the truth. Maybe it isn't my time, but I am getting worn out from the wait.

Our not having a car has really effected our opportunities. I can't get to work, or the store, or to school if I could even afford to go. I can't do fun things with my family, and most weekends I can't get to church. We have to rely on my mother and father in law to borrow on of their cars when we can, and for a ride for me from the bus. It so hard having to constantly rely on others- not just because it is an inconvienience for the other person, or us, but it is really hard to have to be that pest. I don't like being annoying. Honestly I don't.

To try to make myself feel better I treated myself to coloring my hair, and then having it cut. The color isn't exactly what I wanted- but I hope to be able to correct it (I bought another color to try). The cut is cute- I haven't quite gotten used to it though, and it seems to change daily of what it wants to do. It was nice to do something for myself, atleast take away some of the self loathing I have. I hate the size I am- even if it is a size 12. My baby tummy is depressing, and although I attempt to eat healthy the stressing is making it really hard to keep up. One of the Ladies at my work suggested the South Beach Diet. She said it really worked for her- and has made her feel great because it makes you cut down on sugar intake and unhealthy carbs. I dunno- I am not really a diet type of person. No diet has ever worked because I always end up giving up. Exercise has been hard for me- getting up at 5:30 to catch the bus- and then working all day- only to have to catch the bus and get home between 6:30 and 7:00. There is no such thing as energy anymore. I want to feel confident about myself once again. I want to look like the skinny person that exists in my head. :/

Today I spent most of the day learning the guitar. I have been taking time to do something I have wanted to do my whole life. Besides the fingers on my left hand being red and puffy and sore- it was great!

I don't know if we have the car for tomorrow- I guess it doesn't matter because I don't have a way to get it. Joe is going to be at a downhill skateboarding race that he has been training for for a while. I am glad he has something.. and I look forward to spending time on my new hobby (provided my fingers don't fall off).

Well I am done letting it all out. I am sure there is stuff I forgot- but I don't want to dwell on the bad, when I can try to find the good in it. My kids are healthy, our bills are paid, mostly, and me and Joe are healthy too. Oh- and Wyatt is walking (as of early last week when he started taking more than just one step at a time- but like 5-10). He also finally has one tooth!! (it popped through finally a week or maybe two ago). So things are all bad- it just feels that way sometimes.

I am trying to be possitive. The last two mornings have been refreshing because I have been upbeat and possitive and it has effected my day in great ways. Hopefully I can keep it up- and maybe it will change even more of my perspective.